Generally, we often move through life believing that happiness, peace, and fulfilment are waiting for us just beyond the next horizon. As a young man, I found myself in this trap a number of times. When I was schooling, I thought that after finishing secondary school education, I would just move to the university or college, and at the end of the three or four years, I would be enjoying life like many employed people. Well, let me not tell you what happened.
By Jonah Makau *
During the formative years, I found myself again in the same trap. For some reasons, those who were ahead of us made us believe that after the next stage of formation, happiness would be sitting there waiting for us. Well, it is now almost fifteen years after basic formation and life goes on. Do you know why I am telling you this? These days in Rome, in our community of General House, the ongoing formation of the G50 is going on. It is the formation of those missionaries who have attained either fifty years of priesthood, or of religious profession. It is the on-going formation of the elderly missionaries.
During my interaction with a number of them, I have realised that Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar was right when he coined the term arrival fallacy. For starters, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar is a positive psychology expert, who coined the term Arrival Fallacy to describe the reality in which people struggle to reach a particular goal, hoping that once they do that, they will get lasting happiness, fulfilment and satisfaction, only realize that achieving a certain goal is always the beginning of another fight for next level. In other words, the arrival fallacy is the false belief that achieving a specific goal will bring lasting satisfaction.
In reality, although setting up of goals and reaching them can provide a temporary sense of accomplishment, the anticipated happiness tends to fade quickly, leaving us discouraged, disappointed and sometimes even confused. So, as I was saying, during my interaction with the elderly missionaries, I have realised that happiness is found in the process (of growth), not in the expectation of a certain destination. Listening to the elderly missionaries narrate their lives is edifying. They all seem to agree on one thing: don’t live waiting a certain happy moment. It is not that I did not know this, but when it comes from a person whose eyes a flickering with experience, you realize that it’s not a joke.
Today, if we think deeply about this reality, we can easily understand why St. Paul in 1 Thessalonians 5:17–18 says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” We are called to be happy all the time. Unfortunately, our brains are wired to adapt quickly to new circumstances. This is called hedonic adaptation. When we struggle for something and achieve what seems like the ultimate achievement, we quickly adapt to the situation, and the milestone we have achieved becomes the new normal. As a result, we end up setting up our sight on the next milestone, unknowingly perpetuating a cycle of discontent. If we are not careful, we can live a life of waiting and longing for forever, since at the end of each horizon, happiness becomes disappointingly elusive.
Although this may appear as something trivial, trust me, it is not. It is not even an issue of those in formation. It touches every human person, and it has heavy consequences. Let us mention just four. First, when we live believing that happiness is always in the future, we deny ourselves the ability to appreciate the present moment. That ongoing dissatisfaction can lead to chronic stress and burnout. I am sure you agree with me: it is hard to live a life of constant dissatisfaction. Second, if reaching a goal does not bring lasting happiness, we may begin to wondering, “What then is the point of struggling in life?” This can lead to disengagement, procrastination, or a sense of futility. At the end it leads to loss of motivation. Third, when we achieve a long-sought goal and still we do not feel contented, we may wrongly assume that something is wrong with us, rather than recognizing the flaw in the expectation itself. So, this means that too high expectations can make us have a negative self-perception. Lastly, if we are always chasing the next milestone, we may neglect the people in our lives, believing that we will have time for them later – but that later never comes. That can lead to a life of isolation and regret. In other words, it leads to strained relationships.
As you can see, the arrival fallacy, which in truth is an illusion of arrival has a lot of impact in our life. It is important therefore to know the mechanism of our being, to avoid frustration for no reason. Usually, our brain reward system is wired for pursuit rather than possession. That means that dopamine is at the highest during goal-seeking behaviour, and it flattens off once the goal is achieved. Consequently, this means that if we are not careful, we may find ourselves on a “hedonic treadmill,” immediately setting sights on the next milestone to recapture the fleeting joy of the previous achievement. The moment we understand this reality we can look for ways to counteract it.
It would be wrong to state the problem and leave without giving possible solutions. There are a number of ways we can counteract the arrival fallacy.
First, we have to learn to cultivate present-moment awareness. In other words, by practicing mindfulness, we can help shift our focus from future outcomes to present experiences. In short, we should learn to appreciate what is here and now, instead of anxiously waiting for the far future.
Second, we have to learn to redefine Success. Instead of tying happiness to external goals, we should look at success in terms of personal growth, meaningful relationships, and daily joy. In other words, internal markers of fulfilment are more sustainable than external ones.
Third, we have to learn to find joy in the process of growth. We should realize that the real value of a goal is not just reaching it, but the journey it takes to get there. That is why we can say without a doubt, that learning, growing, and evolving along the way are achievements in themselves. Fourth, we have to be realistic. We must learn to expect adaptation in whatever achievement we acquire. In other words, we must recognize that the excitement of reaching a milestone will naturally fade. By acknowledging this, we can set realistic expectations and avoid unnecessary disappointment. Finally, we must learn to balance goals with gratitude. This means that while ambition remains valuable, it should be paired with appreciation for what already exists in our life. In other words, we should take time to reflect on what is going well in our life, instead of always focusing on what we are expecting in the next level.
After listening to the elderly missionaries, I tell you that the “Arrival Fallacy” is a deep-seated reality in our life, and we need to free ourselves from its misleading power. By recognizing and avoiding it, we can easily free ourselves from cycles of disappointment, and truly enjoy the lives we are already living. Instead of chasing happiness in the far future, we will find it in the present moment—where it has always been waiting for us.
* Father Jonah Makau, IMC, Postulator, Rome
